Dear future child,
One of the scariest things I ever had to do was come to terms with my sexuality. It was long and hard. It was late nights wishing I could go to sleep, because I knew what I wanted in my dreams, safe from peering eyes. It was a constant cycle of not knowing what I was because I grew up in a heteronormative society that was afraid to look at anything that could threaten the structure. It was crying in my best friend’s driveway because I didn’t know how she’d react. It was shaking uncontrollably two days later when I told my other best friend. It was driving home from school and bursting into tears because loving someone shouldn’t be this hard.
And I had it easy.
I will always believe that sexuality is fluid and changes based on how you are feeling and what you feel like you need. It changes as you mature and realize that buns on guys are really hot, or that you’re totally a bum person. The society I grew up in focused so much time and energy on forcing labels onto people’s genders and sexualities. You had to justify why you were something and why you were in love with someone (and then we all stopped falling in love, but that’s another issue). Sexuality is a spectrum and you can place yourself wherever you want on that. Worry about the labels afterwards.
My sexuality isn’t important. It will always be changing, and if I’m ever anything less than perfectly straight, I will have to go through that above torture.
I do not want that for you, my sweet child.
Don’t ever feel like you have to “come out” to me, because I don’t care.
I don’t care who or what you like so long as you know to love yourself first and treat everyone with respect.
All I want you to know is that it’s okay. It’s okay to like guys. It’s okay to like girls. It’s okay to like both. It’s okay to like neither. It’s okay to like all the genders I grew up knowing and all the genders I’ve yet to hear of. It is okay to like none of them.
It is okay if who you like changes over time.
It is okay if you like one gender a little bit more than another. It’s okay if you like one gender a lot more than another.
I do not care because there are more important things than your sexuality. I do not want you to “come out” to me because you should never have to hide away to begin with.
Someday, when I have you, I will hold you in my arms. I will look you in the eyes and tell you this. I will encourage you to fall in love with whomever you want without trying to put labels on it. That’s not what love is about.
That’s not what you are about.
You are about so much more than what you’re attracted to. You are about so much more than your sexuality. There is so much more to you than that, and I don’t ever want you to feel like that is tainted by some damn label no one really cares about.
Because they don’t.
The people who matter to you, don’t care. We hear about it in the news all the time right now- refreshing stories about young teens who “came out” to a friend and then nothing changed except everyone was happy. I want you to skip that middle step. I want you to skip having to come to terms with your own personal desires because you’re afraid of the worst case scenario. I want you to skip the pain and suffering you’ll feel at night as you lay awake and wonder if you’re like everyone else. You will lie awake if you feel like you owe an explanation to anyone. Because even if you are “straight” you will feel like you have to justify it.
Do not “come out” to me because it doesn’t matter.
Love, forever and for always,
Your future mom.